How To....Get Rich Quick

I am medically skint. I have terminal poorness and that doesn’t look to be changing anytime soon. I do at least have a slight comfort in the fact that I am not alone. Most people my age who I associate with are broke, struggling or constantly counting the coppers. Buts that’s life and we just have to deal with it. Or do we?

I need a get rich quick scheme. Unfortunately I have no money to invest, can’t think of a single invention to take on ‘Dragons Den’ and I still don’t really understand how ‘Deal or No Deal’ actually works. Then it hit me. I could rob a bank. Well not a bank as such. They’re way too heavily protected by security these days. But I could travel up north where I’m not known, rob somewhere small but lucrative and return home all the richer. The plan is perfect with one problem. I don’t know the first thing about robbing somewhere. Not only that but I don’t know anyone else who has the first clue about robbing somewhere. Everyone I know who has had dealings with the police it has always been for drugs, violence and the occasional tax fraud. And surely if I did know someone who had been arrested for robbery then that would just mean they were very bad at it. My plan was over before it had begun. Then one night I was at home watching 'Reservoir Dogs' when I had a revelation. I had all I needed to learn about armed robbery right in front of me. All the Hollywood movies made about bank heists, casino robberies and jewel thefts? If I watched each one and studied what went right and wrong with each of them then I could come up with the perfect plan. I began my research.

The first thing I decided was that I couldn’t do this on my own. I don’t come across as particularly threatening, I can’t really do a false voice, I’m useless with technology and I couldn’t even drive the getaway car. How was I to assemble my team? I decided to take an ad out on 'Craigslist-London'. It’s cheap and generally used by poor bohemian types who watch too much TV. The ad went like this

            Looking to make money Quick?

            Have special skills that are unappreciated in the job market?

            Call today on 078*******86

            (Callers must be over 18)

Obviously I couldn’t go into too much detail about what the job would entail but I wasn’t expecting a great result anyway. I had decided after watching 'Oceans 11' that I needed a team of 6 (Those brothers never really did anything and I was working on a budget a lot smaller than George and Brad were). This is what I required:

·         Muscle – A hardman who could visibly terrify any employees or wannabe heroes. Think Jason Statham or Gerard Butler

·         Getaway Driver – Someone who has seen a lot of top-gear and could haggle us a price on a decent car when it came to the job.

·         Dame – A beautiful woman who could be a distraction to any males who needed distracting.

·         Roller – Someone who had enough money to finance the operation but not enough to not need to be part of it.

·         Small Asian gymnast. Because they’re so cool and you never know when they might come in handy.

·         Inside Man. Someone who had a CV good enough to get a job at whatever target we chose.

As I had seen Reservoir Dogs so recently I had decided to give all my team a code name to protect them and me. It also meant I could talk about them on this blog and not have to worry about it being used in court later. The majority of my team were quite easy to hire. Jewel worked in a strip joint in London and was an ex hooker. She was surprisingly beautiful for a stripper and was also very intelligent (I later found out she was doing the job to pay her way through university where she was studying law). Even better she was from Newcastle which meant no-one would try and trace her accent back down south. Skidmark (He wanted to be called wheels but I wasn’t missing out on a joke this funny) was ex Navy. He’d quit after his girlfriend had got pregnant and they were now struggling to make ends meet. He was the only one who had a criminal record (grand theft auto) but as he wouldn’t be entering any building this wasn’t a particularly bad thing. Skidmark boasted that he had seen ‘Gone in Sixty Seconds’ over 50 times and had once met Lewis Hamilton. I was sold. SpongeBob got his nickname because his body was essentially square. He could also soak up pain like a sponge. When you meet enormous thugs like SpongeBob you expect them to show a soft side like growing roses or listening to classical music. After seeing SpongeBob kick a cat because ‘It looked at his chips’ I knew this was never going to be true. I didn’t ask much about SpongeBob’s background. I didn’t feel the need. He was clearly perfect for the job and I really didn’t fancy knowing enough about him so that we might meet up after it was done.

I had half my team. The next three were harder. Actually finding an Asian gymnast was easy. I had about 20 contenders. The hard part was thinking of a codename that wasn’t racist. After 2 days I finally came up with it and Bendy, Jumping Asian Guy (or B-Jag) was born. He was a lovely fellow and everyone got on with him especially SpongeBob who B-Jag would help tie his shoelaces as he couldn’t bend down that far. Finding a Roller was very hard. Apparently rich people don’t use Craigslist so I had to turn to a different avenue. Then I got it. I had Jewel find the richest, most depressed businessman she could at work, go home with him when the wife was out and see if he had kids. I didn’t want some middle-aged cockstain in my crew. I wanted young blood.  I wanted enthusiasm. I wanted someone who had seen a lot of ‘CSI’. After 3 attempts Jewel hit the jackpot; an eighteen year old son. Now we had to initiate contact. I got Skidmark to setup a group on Facebook page about Warcraft and invite this kid to it. Of course he accepted and under our fake account of a pretty 18 year old model (A slightly changed technique I picked up from paedophiles I’m not ashamed to admit) we told him our plan and asked if he was in. He agreed so long as he could pick his own codename and if our Facebook user would send him a photo of her breasts. Jewel obliged and Warlock joined the effort.

Apart from an inside man (I hadn’t even picked a target yet) my crew was complete. Me, Jewel, Skidmark, Spongebob, B-Jag, Warlock and Mongoloid (one of my friends who insisted on being my right-hand man. I agreed so long as I could pick the nickname).  It was time for some team bonding and research. We settled down to watch some heist movies; all ready to take notes so that we could pick a target and then go and case the joint (excuse me whilst I Google what that means).

To Be Continued    

HOW TO.... Use Facebook Properly

Facebook and social networking in general has taken over the world. You cant organise a night out unless you've created an event. Your not properly going out with someone till you've updated your status accordingly and by the way some people react to it; it's worse to be 'fraped' than actually raped nowadays (and a lot more likely seeing as no-one seems to leave the house). What people seem to be missing though is what Facebook is actually there for. I don't mean stalking the girl you bumped into last weekend or pretending your a ninja in a war with the zombies. I mean wasting time at work before you can get back to your real life. Sure I understand there is time to be wasted by checking the photos of who went out on the night you decided to stay in and why your so called best mate is cozying up to the guy/girl you've had your eye on but we are all missing a trick. We are connected to millions of people who dont know where we live and about 300 who know who we are but we don't really give a toss about. If your going to spend your whole day on facebook then be a bit more adventurous and try a few of these out.

The Fake Event

Basically we've all got a lot of people as friends on facebook who aren't really friends but people we've met/worked with/slept with and now don't really talk to. So for a bit of a laugh why not create an event and only invite these people to it. Call it something innocent like 'My Annual July Marmalade Party!!!', pick a random pub as a venue and see how many people decide to accept the invitation. Who knows if you get enough you could actually hold it and tell them to invite whoever they want. before you know it your yearly preserve party will be the hottest ticket in town.

Status Stalking

A bit similar to the last one in that it involves someone you don't really know. Pick the person on your friends list who constantly updates their status. (Anything more than twice a day should be sufficient). Now everytime they update their status you just write the exact same status as your own. Word. For. Word. If they had a great time at salsa with John Stewart last night then so did you. If their gutted because of whoever got voted out of Britains Got Talent then you feel the same. It could take up to a week for them to notice which is why you have to pick someone who is constantly on 'The Book'. In my opinion there are three possible outcomes to this. A) You get blocked. B) You get messaged asking 'What your fucking problem is'. C) You get messaged saying how 'you two have so much in common and should meet up for a drink'.

The Politically Incorrect Profile

Having a fake facebook profile is the equivilent of gossiping. No-one really knows where it originated from but it can cause a lot of damage. Its easy to start up a fake profile and then you can go on mesage boards and say WHATEVER YOU LIKE. I haven't tried this yet but the person who told me about it said his favourite was to make a profile (including pic) of a little black girl and then go onto a BNP group and come out with the most racist filth he could think of and say he/she learnt it all from 'her' foster parents. Sick I know but he said the reaction he got from it was eye opening. Word of advice with this. Tread carefully, a joke can get out of hand very quickly. Just ask Russell Brand.

Friend Culling

A bit of an obvious one I know but it is still incredibly satisfying to 'kill' a friend especially in the knowledge of the pain they will feel upon discovering one day that you have disappeared from their friends list (I speak from experience). My advice on people to delete: Anyone who constantly recommends songs to listen to on youtube, anyone who constantly posts links about someone falling off a rollercoaster or 'OMG! You can now see who viewed your profile!', Anyone who partakes in questionaires about who is/isn't good looking. Basically anyone who has never heard of spam mail should not be allowed your friendship. (To cushion the blow you should always send them a message before you delete them telling them why and also recommending other people you are deleting who they would probably get along really well with).

Friend Making

The exact opposite of culling but with one minor difference. You cannot know the person at all. The more far away from age/location/species to you the better. All you have to do is send them a message when you add them saying 'Hey, How are you? Been hoping to find you on here! How have you been since...' and then add whatever you want and see who accepts. Some favourites of mine (can't remember what worked and what didn't) include Naturism weekend, Beekeeping course, Spring break 02 (always to someone over 50) and my personal favourite 'The night we never mention!'. You will honestly be suprised at the comebacks you get.

The Danger Status

If you have the balls for this remember to delete anything personal from your inbox before. The danger status looks innocent untill someone works out what it is. You basically post your password as your status for a couple of hours before pulling it. To most people it will just look like a gobble-de-gook word but if anyone gets it.... well you leave yourself open to epic 'Frapage'. It's basically the online equivilent of going to a park, Stripping off, covering your genitals in melted chocolate, sticking haribo up your bum and waiting in a bush to be violated. Highly dangerous but imagine the thrill of getting away with it for a few hours?!


OR. Spend your day watering your farm and making friends with your local bars (They aren't real people!) The choice is yours. I've thrown down the gauntlet, now pick it up and cause some havok.

HOW TO...Be Funny in Public and Make People Like You

Prologue

Things are changing in my life. At the end of next month I will be leaving the city I've called home for the past 2 years to find my fortune as a writer (or become a hooker if times get desperate). The urge for me to get paid to do this has now become more than a whim but a steely determination. I have written enough articles and been published on enough websites to be taken (pretty) seriously. However in order for me to make it to the next level I have received a letter from a magazine giving me some useful pointers. The main ones were to be less self referential and to write in the style of the magazine I hope to be working for. In this note I have started a column which I have wanted to do for a while. I don't just want to make people laugh. I want to help them and impart my 26 years worth of knowledge and wisdom. I have begun to write a series of self help articles about how to survive in the real world of 21st century Britain. I have also been working with other people for the first time. Mainly to get other ideas and a different spin on situations but also to make myself feel less arogant when I dish out advice.

So remember when you read these. It's not just coming from me and some of it is actually from professionals.

1# HOW TO......Be Funny In Public And Make People Like You

Throughout life it is vitally important at most crucial stages that you can put people at ease. Whether it's a new job, chatting up a member of the opposite sex or meeting your partners family for the first time we all need to be able to make people like us. First impressions are huge and it is easy to come off as either arrogant or shy. We've all had situations where meeting a girlfriends parents has gone less than swimmingly or we embarrassed ourselves on a first night out with the new boss and the fit girl from accounts. The trick is to get the balance right. You don't need to be a comedian and have the whole room in stitches, you simply need to be able to hold peoples attention and be charming enough to make them remember you. If all goes well and you follow our advice (including a sociology professor who specialises in body language) then you will have plenty more opportunities to wow them with your wit and charisma.

Eye Contact
Incredibly important but something that many people (including this very writer) struggle with. Looking someone directly in the eye makes them feel you are giving them all of your attention and that you aren't hiding anything. It is key to first impressions and something that a lot of people take for granted but try not doing it and you'll instantly notice the difference.

Use Names.
If you remember peoples names and use them often in conversation then they will feel at ease and that you have made the effort. This works especially well in making friends or meeting potential boy/girlfriends as your name is something that relaxes you when you hear it and subconsciously makes you think you are among friends.

Body Language.
If your sitting down then don't try and cross your legs or fiddle with anything infront of you. It creates a barrier between you and whoever you are talking to. If you do feel like your hands arent doing anything then gesture with them as you talk like a politician would.

Speaking
Dont be embarassed of any accent you might have. We've all seen the Kings Speech and know that it's just about confidence. If you sound like your from a council estate in South London but can make people laugh anyway then your accent will be irrelevant.

Jokes.
Don't tell them. It's a lot easier to tell a funny story of something that happened to you. If you forget a few details it doesn't matter as there is no punchline. The trick is in the telling. keep it short and funny throughout, not just at the end. Also try and use a range of different ways to make people relax and warm to you. Sarcasm and irony are all good in small doses but if you over use them you will come across a bit of a t**t.

Voice Level.
 Anyone who shouts over everyone else in the room or doesn't let anyone else tell their own anecdote will be remembered for all the wrong reasons. Let everyone in the conversation talk equally. In fact you should actively encourage others to talk. Ask questions to get them involved. It will make them feel like you are really listening to their opinion (even if you arent). Remeber you can still speak again once they're finished.

Stay Sober.
A drunk person is only funny to people who are as drunk as they are. Any wit and style you had 6 pints ago will disappear and you wont be able to tell a funny story even if it only happened 30 seconds ago. A few drinks to get your confidence going is fine in a social situation (not advised at work) but know your limits if there are people around who you would like to impress.

Be yourself.
But not the version of you who's a total c**t. If your a fan of offensive jokes and heavy swearing then keep it in check till your sure what ground your on with those around you. Likewise if you don't feel comftable being the person controlling the conversation then just sit back, listen and chirp up with the ooccasional piece of hillarious banter.

We hope this all helps. Being charming and witty is easy when you know how. The trick is just having the confidence to speak and act in a way that relaxes you and those around you. Good Luck.