HOW TO.... Use Facebook Properly

Facebook and social networking in general has taken over the world. You cant organise a night out unless you've created an event. Your not properly going out with someone till you've updated your status accordingly and by the way some people react to it; it's worse to be 'fraped' than actually raped nowadays (and a lot more likely seeing as no-one seems to leave the house). What people seem to be missing though is what Facebook is actually there for. I don't mean stalking the girl you bumped into last weekend or pretending your a ninja in a war with the zombies. I mean wasting time at work before you can get back to your real life. Sure I understand there is time to be wasted by checking the photos of who went out on the night you decided to stay in and why your so called best mate is cozying up to the guy/girl you've had your eye on but we are all missing a trick. We are connected to millions of people who dont know where we live and about 300 who know who we are but we don't really give a toss about. If your going to spend your whole day on facebook then be a bit more adventurous and try a few of these out.

The Fake Event

Basically we've all got a lot of people as friends on facebook who aren't really friends but people we've met/worked with/slept with and now don't really talk to. So for a bit of a laugh why not create an event and only invite these people to it. Call it something innocent like 'My Annual July Marmalade Party!!!', pick a random pub as a venue and see how many people decide to accept the invitation. Who knows if you get enough you could actually hold it and tell them to invite whoever they want. before you know it your yearly preserve party will be the hottest ticket in town.

Status Stalking

A bit similar to the last one in that it involves someone you don't really know. Pick the person on your friends list who constantly updates their status. (Anything more than twice a day should be sufficient). Now everytime they update their status you just write the exact same status as your own. Word. For. Word. If they had a great time at salsa with John Stewart last night then so did you. If their gutted because of whoever got voted out of Britains Got Talent then you feel the same. It could take up to a week for them to notice which is why you have to pick someone who is constantly on 'The Book'. In my opinion there are three possible outcomes to this. A) You get blocked. B) You get messaged asking 'What your fucking problem is'. C) You get messaged saying how 'you two have so much in common and should meet up for a drink'.

The Politically Incorrect Profile

Having a fake facebook profile is the equivilent of gossiping. No-one really knows where it originated from but it can cause a lot of damage. Its easy to start up a fake profile and then you can go on mesage boards and say WHATEVER YOU LIKE. I haven't tried this yet but the person who told me about it said his favourite was to make a profile (including pic) of a little black girl and then go onto a BNP group and come out with the most racist filth he could think of and say he/she learnt it all from 'her' foster parents. Sick I know but he said the reaction he got from it was eye opening. Word of advice with this. Tread carefully, a joke can get out of hand very quickly. Just ask Russell Brand.

Friend Culling

A bit of an obvious one I know but it is still incredibly satisfying to 'kill' a friend especially in the knowledge of the pain they will feel upon discovering one day that you have disappeared from their friends list (I speak from experience). My advice on people to delete: Anyone who constantly recommends songs to listen to on youtube, anyone who constantly posts links about someone falling off a rollercoaster or 'OMG! You can now see who viewed your profile!', Anyone who partakes in questionaires about who is/isn't good looking. Basically anyone who has never heard of spam mail should not be allowed your friendship. (To cushion the blow you should always send them a message before you delete them telling them why and also recommending other people you are deleting who they would probably get along really well with).

Friend Making

The exact opposite of culling but with one minor difference. You cannot know the person at all. The more far away from age/location/species to you the better. All you have to do is send them a message when you add them saying 'Hey, How are you? Been hoping to find you on here! How have you been since...' and then add whatever you want and see who accepts. Some favourites of mine (can't remember what worked and what didn't) include Naturism weekend, Beekeeping course, Spring break 02 (always to someone over 50) and my personal favourite 'The night we never mention!'. You will honestly be suprised at the comebacks you get.

The Danger Status

If you have the balls for this remember to delete anything personal from your inbox before. The danger status looks innocent untill someone works out what it is. You basically post your password as your status for a couple of hours before pulling it. To most people it will just look like a gobble-de-gook word but if anyone gets it.... well you leave yourself open to epic 'Frapage'. It's basically the online equivilent of going to a park, Stripping off, covering your genitals in melted chocolate, sticking haribo up your bum and waiting in a bush to be violated. Highly dangerous but imagine the thrill of getting away with it for a few hours?!


OR. Spend your day watering your farm and making friends with your local bars (They aren't real people!) The choice is yours. I've thrown down the gauntlet, now pick it up and cause some havok.